Amanda Piccirilli-Hall

So Amanda Picc is way better at this whole blogging, social media whatever you want to call it   It used to be called  an “essay” (yeah I’m old), but now it’s a blog…who made up that word anyway? Well when Amanda wants or needs something, you better listen up, not because she’s bossy, but because whatever she is doing means something and it’s heartfelt.

She told me to just write what was on my mind and here I am on a plane to Boston for the millionth time ready to pour my heart out.

My life is somewhat of a mess right now, but a good mess nonetheless.

My mom has Alzheimer’s, my son has Type 3 vonWillebrand Disease (a severe bleeding disorder -where your blood doesn’t clot), my daughter started her period for the first time last month and she has a mild form of VWD but basically hemorrhaged, I travel non-stop for my job and cover 26 states, and I’m finishing up my MBA in 5 weeks.

I barely have time to stop and smell the roses because I am moving too fast.  I often wonder why I can’t physically run as fast as my life goes, but maybe that’s just it, running is my way of stopping to smell the roses.

Belonging to my run club has saved me from being admitted to a mental hospital on more than one occasion. Yeah, we run marathons, ultra-marathons, complete Ironmans and do a lot of other fun stuff that doesn’t include exercise, such as giving back in our communities.  But what I have found is the friendships I have created not only for me, but friendships that others have made, is really what is important. 

It doesn’t matter if you are the fastest runner or the slowest, you can always find someone who will encourage you and keep you motivated. I have made some of the best of friends who I can count on and will be there for me to cry and complain to.  I could complain a lot, but, I try not to because I know that life could be wayyy worse and that there are people out there that are battling things way worse than what I am going through. 

Is it hard? Yes, it sucks and I cry, actually I cry a lot, more so now than ever, probably because I’m also Menopausal. Ohhh let me tell you about that.  Night sweats, sleepless nights, hot flashes and then your freezing because its 32 degrees out and you just got done having a major hot flash.  I now sleep with an industrial fan that keeps me cool through the night and meanwhile my husband and my dog are shivering.  This is a far cry from the days of old when I would be the one to turn up the heat and have 22 blankets on the bed.

Anyways, getting back to me pouring my heart out……. what is most challenging for me right now is my Mom.  My dad is taking care of her and he refuses to get help.  He thinks he can do it and that he owes it to her.

Meanwhile, she is slipping a little bit each day and it keeps getting harder. She just turned 78 in December and my parents neighbors had a small birthday party for her with cake.  The neighbor sent me a picture and said she was so happy!  She clapped and sang like she was 7.  As happy as that made me, it was absolutely heartbreaking.  This disease is heartbreaking! I am grieving someone who is alive –it is the strangest thing and the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.

I ask God every day to take her before it gets worse.  Is that terrible? Am I a terrible person for wanting that?  She is my mother for God’s sake.  I know that we will get through this, somehow…someway……and then there is always the worry….constant worry….the worry that never goes away.   

If menopause and worrying about my parents doesn’t keep me up, then it’s the worry I have for my kids.  I know every parent worries about their kids, but I have always felt that my worry is a heightened level of worry because of their disease. It’s like being on call 24/7 — never knowing when the emergency is going to happen and you need to drop everything to go treat a child with a severe bleeding disorder. The worry that a simple fall could turn into a major bleeding episode and is life threatening.  It is what it is, but I try to keep things in perspective and know that this is part of my journey and part of my story. 

I am lucky to be healthy, to have 2 legs to run on—speaking of which I will look to complete my 20^th marathon in 2020 and now have a goal of a half Ironman!!  

But most of all, I am thankful to have a great family, an amazing husband, and to have some of the best of friends who just so happen to run.  Life is short, don’t forget to stop and smell the roses, even if you’re running.